November 11, 2004
deja vu
ever since "the divorce" i find myself reliving parts of my life. as though i'm trying to find where i lost it all, where i lost my drive, my ambition, the hopes and dreams that made me who i am. what happened to the poet, the reader, the girl who wanted nothing less than to get a doctorate degree and do something, something important.
i've been trying to go back to school and have been going through practically the same steps i've taken many times before. first i try to take the easiest way possible; just apply for the school right down the street from where i live. that makes life so simple, i could keep working (which means i wouldn't concentrate on school), keep my friends (which means i wouldn't concentrate on school), and be "comfortable."
then i start thinking and remembered that the reason i moved to seattle was to try and get in to the u-dub, but also to get the hell out of fresno and it was the only place i could convince mark to move. i had been trying to leave fresno since my sophomore year of college when i realized what a stupid mistake i'd made by staying there for school. so i enrolled at uri (yes, for some reason i wanted to move to rhode island...a childhood fascination) hoping that i would then go to risd. unfortunately, some stupid boy i was dating convinced me to stay for a couple more years. we broke up 2 months later.
now that my life is mine again, for the first time in so long, i have to retrain my brain to think as a person who can do anything they want. no one keeping me anywhere, no one to base my decisions on. i can move where i want, go to school where i want, and take out as many student loans as i damn well please. my mom keeps telling me how independent i am, how i stopped needing her as soon as i could feed myself. i don't feel independent anymore, but i sure want to.
so, i find myself looking at the same catalog i was looking at over 6 years ago, and that i looked at over three years ago, and i'm looking at it now, hopefully for one of the last times. the american library association catalog of accredited schools, as i flip through the pages and pull out the info sheets on the schools i'd want to go to, i get the feeling that they are all the exact same ones i looked at before. i probably still have all the information that i sent away for so many years ago. i'm not going to settle for going to the school down the street (not that it's a bad one), i'm only going there if that's the best place for me (or possibly if it's the only one that'll have me).
one more thing i'll do is rent party girl and have parker posey give me some much needed encouragement!
addendum:
i also sent in a volunteer application to spl today. i hope i pass the interview!
Posted by meloknee at November 11, 2004 12:00 PM