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June 30, 2005
guilty pleasures
I am an obsessive list maker. Then again, maybe I should just say, I am obsessive (as I have mentioned before). I count my steps when I'm walking alone, I have a very specific shower routine that when it is broken I often have to rewash because I can't remember if I've done it or not. I have to wash my hands every time I touch something metal. Anyway, main point being, I am an obsessive list maker. My journal isn't so much a journal as a collection of lists.
Today, while doing mindless filing at work I came up with a list that I first titled (in my head) "Guilty Pleasures" but then I realized these things were not so much guilty pleasures. I am not really a guilt-feeling person (i'm not catholic). I only feel guilt for things I do that hurt other people and even that is more remorse than guilt. These things are nothing to feel guilt about anyway. This is more my list of the most embarrassing things that I enjoy.
1. Having Mariah Carey on my iPod. Not any Mariah Carey, but her album, Daydream.
2. Tostino's Pizza Rolls, pepperoni.
3. Pre-teen (or "tween") Saturday morning TV shows (Lizzie McGuire, for example, in current years, Hang Time, in past years, and Saved by the Bell, in the even more distant past years). I just can't seem to outgrow this need to watch either these shows or Saturday morning cartoons.
If you had any of the same love for Saved By the Bell that I had, you can find out which character you are most like by taking this quiz.
Posted by meloknee at 11:02 PM | Comments (6)
June 27, 2005
do you remember your school librarian?
or any librarian for that matter? I sure as hell do not. It's so bizarre to me that I wouldn't remember at least one librarian from all the multitude f schools I went to growing up. Shouldn't one of them stand out in my mind? I remember my favorite janitor, yard duty lady, teacher, sports coach, student teacher, teacher's aide, and my favorite principal. I guess what surprises me the most about this is that I spent a lot of time in the library.
In junior high I was a total dork. I went to a computer/science school called Edison Computech in Fresno. Pretty much everyone there was already a nerd. Some of the kids at least tried to pretend to be cool. In fact I think some of them gave up there smartness for coolness. I was on the golf team, in drama, on the Odyssey of the Mind team. I hung out in the library at lunch and played Marvel Super Heroes role playing games.
In high school when I got fed up with all the bullshit girls that wanted to fight me and all the lame guys that wanted to date/obsess over me, I hung out either in the library reading, in front of the library reading, or ditched school to go sit in a cafe and read.
In elementary school I was on the spelling team and participated in the spelling bee. I thought card catalogues were cool. I would fake sick so that I could stay home to read my new books.
I find it so bizarre that in all those years of hanging out in the library I don't know who any of my librarians were. I think it's sad, I don't know why. Do they want to be remembered? Would they say, I don't do it for the glory; I do it for my love of knowledge. I don't want to stand out. I want the books to be remembered. That's noble and all, but I want to be remembered. I want some kid to grow up thinking, I want to be a librarian, just like Ms. Davis. She was so cool.
Posted by meloknee at 08:54 PM | Comments (2)
June 22, 2005
I used to write poetry
I used to write a lot of poetry (I wrote my first poems at age 11). Like, I'd sit down and pick up a pen and paper and words would just flow out of my body. I'm not saying all the words were good or made sense, but they were there, somewhere, in my mind. Now, when I look at the blank page, that's all I see, a blank page. I have nothing to say; no thoughts of my own, no feelings, nothing to express.
The last few poems I wrote were all about how I couldn't write anymore. Here is the very last one:
ever since i gave myself away
my stream of words
which would never end
has trickled away to nearly nothing
and it's sad to me
i have nothing to say
how could it be
that i have nothing to say
I think that was written some time in 2003, but I didn't date it so I'm not really sure. I know there was a point in time that I convinced myself that there was a logical reason that I wasn't writing anymore. It was because I was too happy. I knew it wasn't true, even at the time. I knew the reason I stopped writing was because I didn't want to put on paper what was going on in my head. I didn't want to face my own reality. So, how do I get back there? How do I start facing reality again? There has to be a way to start believing in yourself again and a way to realize that your thoughts and feelings are nothing to be ashamed of and you certainly shouldn't hide them from yourself.
My Room
I'd never open the door
even when someone knocked.
I'd never let them in
even if they brought gifts.
The day I decided to look outside
you were only walking by,
for some reason I invited you in.
We sat by the fire and had tea.
It was so enjoyable
I didn't want you to leave.
You stayed for quite some time
until someone called your name.
You ran for the door and gave no explanation.
As you left I locked the door
and shut the blinds
and cried myself to sleep.
Every once in a while you'd stop by
you wouldn't have much to say
and always had somewhere to go.
I'd sit and stare straight through you
trying to see inside and understand why.
After you leave
I sometimes want to nail the door shut
and put boards over my windows
because it hurts so much to see you
and even more when you leave
but I like your visits too much.
If I did that
I'd probably go numb.
I'd rather still have hope
and feel the pain
than never be touched by you again.
So, I put down my hammer
and cry myself to sleep.
November 5, 1996
Posted by meloknee at 12:31 AM | Comments (6)
June 21, 2005
Said by Pennsylvanian school librarian
"I get to match the perfect book with the perfect student, find the right piece of information for the right teacher, explain the best resource for the best response, and plan for the greatest successes for the greatest people."
Posted by meloknee at 11:16 AM | Comments (1)
June 06, 2005
Heard on the bus
"This is such a nice day, if I had a job I'd call in sick. I'm going to go get a job, just so I can call in sick."
Posted by meloknee at 08:14 PM | Comments (0)
June 03, 2005
Napoleon Quiz
Sweet!! I just finished taking the Napoleon Dynamite Quiz and this is my result:
You are Napoleon Dyanamite and a buttload of gangs
are trying to recruit you.
Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Posted by meloknee at 07:14 PM | Comments (4)